yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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