he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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