I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
