the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
