"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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