That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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