one word: firstdatebathroomanal
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
