I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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