Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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