Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
