literally had 100 drinks last night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
