Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize