He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
