My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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