3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
