My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
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We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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