Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
