maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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