If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
