The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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