I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
