the condom got lost in my hair
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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