I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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