he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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