He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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