Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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