I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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