how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
