Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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