my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
