Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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