My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
