i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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