I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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