Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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