my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
