how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
