I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
