how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
