He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
