While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
