Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We are all done wearing pants today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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