Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
