She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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