I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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