I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I could fuck to npr.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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