Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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