Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize