I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did i walk over a car last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
