When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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