im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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