He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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