Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
