Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
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So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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