Your tits are I can't wait for
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
