I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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